I’ve never given a second thought to being a stay at home mom. The choice was a no-brainer for me. I made career choices long before I was even married so that I could do what I’m doing right now.
Today, for the first time ever I was wondering if I’ve made the right choice. Or to be more specific I’m wondering if my choice has been worth it. We went to our first birthday party with one of P’s classmates. It’s a boy who P talks about a lot. I’ve met him and he is lovely, kind and happy. His parents are lovely as well and his house….lets just say it’s a “south of the boulevard” kind of valley house. The backyard alone is probably the size of our entire lot. They had a pool, a play structure, a magnificent vegetable garden, out door dining areas and lots of running grassy space in between with beautiful trees that cast the perfect shade on most of the backyard.
This little boy has been in some sort of day care since he was months old. His environment at home is a dream and he is happy and kind. He genuinely is happy. I can see it in his eyes.
For some reason when I was at their house I felt like all I gave up was put right in my face. I’ve always known that me not working meant I was giving things up. I’ve always been ok with it but today for some reason I felt like a silver tray with everything I’ve given up was placed in front of me and someone said this is what you gave up for that. That being P and for the first time ever P looked so so small.
Maybe it’s because all this time I’ve seen the kids who are placed in day care and I’ve seen the effects of not having their mom around. There are very, very few exceptions. Most children who are not around their mothers from a young age have issues of one kind or another. Some are minor and others are major. I’ve felt I’ve made the right choice because I have made a secure, happy, thriving girl. But P’s classmate is thriving to and he has a fabulous environment and really happy parents. So I ask myself have I made the right choice or has my choice begun to wear on me.
I know part of my frustration is based on the problems we are going through getting and staying pregnant again. Motherhood, in my mind, means having a clan. I know I’m still a mother to P. Of course I am but I guess I wanted my sacrifices to count for more and seeing P sort of on par with another child who doesn’t have his mom around all day really makes me wonder.