The months after P was born were the hardest for me. I counted how long it would be before P was in school and I had some trusted relief. It felt so far away back then and now I feel the years have flown by and P is in school. Now, I want to slow the clock down because I know in a blink of an eye she will be in college.
She was excited to go until we were a block away from school. Then she told me she wanted to spend the day with me. Those are the words I’ve dreaded hearing. It wasn’t any better when we got there because there were so many kids and it was so chaotic. She had a look of fright on her face that made me want to stick her back in the car and leave. We got to her room and she found some fun toys to play with…but the look was still there. I told her I was going to leave for two minutes to sign her in and I’d be back. The look got worse. I reassured her I’d be back. I signed her in and came back to her and the look went away. And slowly but surely she started to feel better. I said my goodbye and left. I got in the car and cried the entire way to my doctor appointment.
I cried not for her but because this experience of first day of school is one I wanted to experience with another child. P wasn’t suppose to be my one and only and all these milestones in life weren’t suppose to be my one and onlyies. Now every turning point in P’s life feels huge and I want to cherish every single second of it.
My doctor appointment was to go give blood for our chromosomal testing. I’m trying to look at the amazing blessing I have in P. I’m trying to look on the bright side but I’m also very sad. Days like today make me alter my visions. I thought that at this point I’d be pregnant or have an infant. I played the whole thing out in my head as to how I was going to juggle dropping P off on her first day while I had the second one in my Moby wrap around me. I had the whole morning schedule and routine set. I’d nurse before heading out so the baby would be ok etc etc. I’m a planner. Yes, the time to myself was excellent but it’s not where I thought I’d be and that’s what makes it sad.
But on the bright side, P had a great day. Learning to share is a huge lesson. She came back tired and grumpy. I had homemade mac n cheese waiting for her when she got home. I do feel extremely blessed to be at home with my kid when she is out of school. As a child it’s what I most wanted from my mom but it wasn’t possible for her. So, I am thrilled I can do it for my children…..child.
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