I miscarried yesterday.
It started with bleeding Thursday afternoon and by 4am on Friday morning I was cramping and clotting enough to know it was over. I called my doctor at 7:30am to find out what to do/expect when at 7 weeks. She gave me the option of going to the ER or staying at home. She was at the ER so she could see me if I was there. I chose to wait it out at home. I had P with me. My two closest neighbors are out of town and D had to go to work. He tried to get out of work but couldn’t. I was expecting a long, painful, awful day. Thank God it wasn’t. By 10am the worst of the cramps had gone away. As long as I laid/sat on a heating pad I felt ok. P watched more TV than she’s ever watched in her life.
I spoke to the doctor again in the evening. She said it seems, with three miscarriages all under 8 weeks, that this is a chromosomal issue. Ie, the genetic/dna combination of D’s sperm and my egg is not turning out a viable embryo. I need to go back on Monday for blood work and will have to continue to do so every week until one of my hormone levels is down to 5. I didn’t catch which one or why. When I reach that point, D and I will go in and have more testing done to try and determine what is going on.
On the bright side, my body is terminating a non-viable fetus. Better my body doing it naturally and early instead of me having to go in and abort. That is a very good sign. It could be worse. I could still be pregnant and carry a baby to term that has severe issues. So, I am grateful for my body knowing best and taking care of me.
However, the sadness that remains is killing me. I should know by now what comes after the fact. It’s like a routine of loss. It takes me a couple days to heal physically. I don’t feel much emotionally and for the most part I feel I’m over it. Then when the physical healing is done the emotional one starts. This part always hits me out of no where because I haven’t felt sad up until now. Today I’m a bucket of tears. Doing errands with P makes me feel sadder. For some reason I feel my loss more. I feel an emptiness. I got use to thinking it was the three of us and now we’re back down to two.
Until you’ve had a miscarriage it’s hard to understand the loss. It doesn’t seem like there is anything to miss. You’ve never seen, held or met the child. However, once you’re pregnant and know it the sense of you being one is over. Everything you do you have to consider you are carrying a developing child. What you eat, what you pick up, your energy level, everything is different. I didn’t lift P up anymore. I told her I couldn’t pick her and her baby brother/sister up at the same time. Now, I can pick her up all she wants.
If I don’t have another child I know I am immensely blessed. But, in my mind a family is four people or more. I know P would feel much better with a sibling. I generally trust my gut to know what will come for me but on this one I really don’t know. I’m starting to feel like a second child is just a dream now and might never be a reality. I’ve always visualized us being four though.
How do you make a chromosomal issue work? I want to keep trying but how do you know when to stop? I keep telling God I have faith in His plan for us. He knows what is best for us. I just wish I knew what that plan is and I’m kinda wanting to go see a psychic. I’ve never felt they were right. I think a good one can see into the future but I’ve always believed it’s not what God wants us to do. I’m not religious. I’m spiritual but in some things I revert to the Bible lessons I remember as a child. Right, wrong, superstitious, whatever it may be it’s what I was taught and still hang on to. I just want a sign so my heart can stop breaking and I can feel hope.