Too Much Praise?

Part of our pre-school transition program includes parenting discussions.  We reached a topic that I’m having a real hard time with: giving children too much praise.  We all read an article called “Five Reasons to Stop Saying”Good Job!” ” by Alfie Kohn. I understand the concept behind the theory but I’ve been having a hard time wanting to go along with it. 


I feel our role as parents is to build our children’s self esteem and confidence.  I think we initially need to show and direct them to what they are suppose to do.  That should then transition into them doing the right thing for themselves and their own good reasons.  I think saying “good job” is a way of guiding them to the right actions. And I believe there are enough unkind words in the world that tear people down.  My job is to coat my children with a good dose of self esteem so those cruel words will slide off, so to speak.


On the other hand I do understand that some parents say “good job” for EVERYTHING, even unmerited acts.  I also understand that “good job” evokes judgement, which will turn into children doing something because you think it’s good not because they think it’s good.  And I agree that misused praise can guide a child to do things for the praise not for the love of the activity itself.  


My initial reaction to the article was that it was wrong.  If anyone but this preschool brought this article to me I would have thrown it away in an instant.  One thing I’ve admired at this school is the conduct of all the children.  They are well behaved without stripping them of their toddler/child essence. To get many children to behave like this means they are doing something, many things right.  So, I tried to embrace it. 


My upbringing was without praise.  I never knew my dad was proud of me until not long before he died. He never said “I’m proud of you”, “Great job”, or “Well done” or anything close to that. I had plenty of accomplishments throughout my life for him to have been proud of. I played Jr. Wimbledon, Jr. US Open, Jr. French Open, went to college on an athletic scholarship, succeeded in 3 careers after playing on the pro tennis circuit, etc, etc. etc. There were plenty of opportunities to say “great job”. 


I only knew he was proud of me when we took a walk one day and he called a close friend of his on his cell phone. Initially I was annoyed he chose to chat with his friend when we were taking a walk together but then he passed me the phone and said “talk to Ralph”.  I had never met Ralph. Unwillingly I got on the phone and Ralph began to tell me what an honor it was to talk to me. He said he couldn’t wait to meet me because my dad had spoken so highly of me.  The conversation went on like that for a little bit. I didn’t know what to say except to brush it off and say he was exaggerating.  When I hung up and passed the phone back to my dad he asked me what Ralph had said.  I told him and he gave me a gruff that I knew meant “see”.  And from that I was to interpret “see I’m proud of you”.  That was as close as my father got to “good job”.  


When my father died two months later we were each given time with the body to say goodbye. I held my father’s hands up to my face, looked at him and pretended he was saying “good job” and that he was holding my face on his own. I cried so desperately wanting my imagination to be the reality.  To the day he died the one thing I wanted from him was his affection and approval of all my hard work and who I had turned out to be.  I’ve wanted to hear it clear as day not as an interpretation.   


Since that day I made my husband vow that our children will never have to question how we feel for them.  I don’t ever want them to feel short for hugs or attention.  I want my children to know how much I love them and how proud I am of them.  Now, how to do this without having spoiled children who get praise for basic behavior not true accomplishments? How to do this without having children who just seek approval instead of have passion for what they do?


After our preschool parent conversation today I think we discovered that to our children attention is praise.  When our child shows us something, an art piece for example, we don’t need to say good job.  Instead of saying that phrase which is often unknowingly wrapped in judgement we can talk about the work.  “You used a lot of blue today.”, “It looks like that was a lot of work.”, “How do you feel about your painting?” are all  phrases that show our interest and acknowledgement without judgement.  And our interest is praise.  


In other words you can’t use “good job” as a replacement for really being “in it” with them.  Dialoguing with them is more important than hearing “good job” for the hundredth time.   I feel I do an extensive amount of dialoguing with P and I think I can find a better way of recognizing her accomplishments but I can’t see myself not complimenting her for things that deserve a “good job”.


I used this example today.  When we went to Yosemite we went into the Ahwahnee Hotel and there was a large reading room with giant fireplaces.  P was about to start running around and laughing when I stopped her, kneeled next to her and said “Before you go in there take a look around and listen very carefully. What do you hear and see?”  She said “People reading and no noise”.  I went onto explain that in that room people sat quietly and read so if she wanted to see the room and walk around she had to be quiet.  Her behavior was great. She was quiet as she walked around. When she returned to me I said “Thank you for being quiet. You did a great job of behaving appropriately in there.”  


I think I was engaged with her but I just can’t see myself not giving her credit where credit is due, in my opinion.  I think I need to keep thinking about this theory and I need to keep finding a balance between too much and too little praise.