I was feeling pregnant for well over a week. Not only was I feeling it but I was looking it. My belly was sticking out the way it did with my first pregnancy at 15 weeks. All my usual symptoms were back: fatigue, craving protein, acid reflux and hyper sense of smell. I took two pregnancy test but both were negative. It didn’t matter, D and I were very sure I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I took both test at night and I was only 12-14 days pregnant at most.
After doing the second test I read the box carefully. In big writing it says “First test ever to give you results 6 days BEFORE your missed period”. In small text it read ” in recent studies up to 68% of women got a positive result up to 6 days before their missed period.” As I kept reading it explained that many negative results could be because some women initially have low levels of the pregnancy hormone when pregnant and that it was best to take the test in the morning when the levels were at their highest.
That was on Friday night. I went to bed thinking, it’s too early. We’ll wait a couple days, I’ll take the test in the morning and then I can call the OB. At 5am I woke up with cramps. I got up, went to the bathroom and saw blood. Ok…now I thought did I get my period? How? Is this bad bleeding during a pregnancy? What is happening to me? D got up, got on the internet and after doing some research said it could be spotting from the implantation…not to worry. It was normal. It didn’t feel normal. I felt there was too much blood. I thought I got my period, but how?
At 7:30am the bleeding and cramps were worse and I felt an awful backache. The feeling was a mild version of what I felt after the last pregnancy’s termination. I was exhausted. I got on the internet and from what I read the symptoms were right on with an early miscarriage. They said many women don’t even know they were pregnant, they just assume it was a heavy period.
Yesterday, Saturday, I was in too much pain to really think about the whole thing. Today, I’m sad. My brain is telling me this is a good thing. I know that miscarriages are nature’s way of not continuing with something that isn’t right to begin with. After my last experience I felt my body would take on any kind of egg formation regardless of how bad the conditions were. So, this miscarriage tells me that my uterus has become like the wise woman at the market who knows how to pick the juiciest peaches. This last peach wasn’t good, she let it go.
D was sad yesterday. He was so excited to have another child, as was I. Today he is more together and I am crying. Maybe its just hormonal. I feel my stomach contracting back in. The sensation is the same as when I first nursed P after birth. She’d eat and on cue my stomach and uteran muscle would work their way back. I just feel sad and worried. Maybe it’s my body’s normal reaction to a loss, even though it was a very short pregnancy.
A great neighbor and friend gave me a book called “A Homemade Life: Stories and Recipes from My Kitchen Table”. It’s been a fantastic book that feels soothing right now. She gave it to me to help me cope with my dad’s death, which it has but right now it’s also very comforting to read as I mentally sort though this lost pregnancy.
When I was young I use to get over things by going for a run. A long, long run on the beach use to set me right again. Now, I need to either be in the kitchen cooking, in the garden or in the garage building something. I’m still really exhausted and the garden and garage are too much. Cooking is just what I needed so I made a banana bread from the book.
I’m going to go get a big slice of it with a glass of milk and visualize my life with two children. It believe it will happen when all is right.
