It’s my birthday today. I’m 38. I’m exactly where I wanted to be at this age. I’m happily married. I have a child whom I get to spend my days with. She is my full-time job. These were the things I really, really wanted for my life by this age. Some parts seem to have fallen in my lap. Others, I feel like I’ve been to hell and back just to sustain or acquire.
Every year, about a week before my birthday, I call my mom and I start the process of asking her where she was exactly X years ago. (the X corresponding to the age I’m about to turn). I ask her how she felt. What she worried about. I was the first born so I’m curious to know what this meant to her. I’ll call my mom throughout the week until I get to my birthday. I love hearing my birth story. Always have.
This year I think I’ll ask my mom about what she felt the days after I was born. Now, that I’m a mom I realize that after the baby comes it’s so overwhelming. I also just realized I never asked my dad to tell me my birth story. What was it like for him. He passed away in January so I won’t ever get to know.
My need to know about my own birth story and childhood is what motivates me to document so much of P’s life. I want her to have all these stories so she knows what I was thinking…. really. My mom retells my story every year but I know every year the emotions fade a little more and only the details of time and weight remain.
So, at this time in my life I feel happy. Grateful. I feel like a survivor. I feel blessed to have the drive of always searching for a better life for my family. I feel strong as a parent. I know I make mistakes daily but when I look at P and I see her confidence and her happiness I feel I’m mostly doing a good job.
For the future, I wish for another child. A boy or a girl would make us just as happy. Whomever God feels will compliment our team the best. I wish for health to continue experiencing life to its fullest with my children and husband.
I wish for financial security….. actually I’ll be so bold as to wish for financial abundance. I want the kind of security where bills are never an issue and grand vacation adventures are always expected. And I want the wisdom that is needed to balance that wealth and to put it to its best use.
I wish that when the time is right, I may find a career that fulfills me. I ache for something in my life that pushes my creativity and makes me happy so my children can see the difference between a job and a career. I’d like them to pursue a passion, not a job.
And I wish to find more peace and happiness inside me every day.