We just returned from visiting my parents in Florida. My father has cancer and is not doing too well. Although the plan was to go for Christmas I felt P and I should go ASAP when I heard the cancer had spread throughout his whole body.
My visits “home” are always stressful. Each visit I realize home is really California. Believe it or not, despite the smog, I breathe easier over here. This visit was even more complicated because of my father’s health. Also as P gets older I am more conscience of the kind of parent I want to be…or the kind of life I want for my children. I’m still processing what happened over the week. There are a few things I know.
- I want to teach P some of the same lessons I learned throughout my childhood but I want the process to be way different.
- I finally realized I was raised among a great deal of anger. I do not want that environment for my children. This means I really, really need to focus on getting rid of that anger in me.
- Every time I get a visit from my parents or go visit my parents I anticipate getting a break from my mothering routine. I expect I’ll get to see a movie, or get regular exercise or shop alone at least once. None of this ever happens. I’ve come to the conclusion that breaks do not come from my family’s help. I want to remember this because should I have the blessing of being a grandmother some day I want to really be there for my children and their children.
- I worry about my children’s relationship with my family.