This is my second year celebrating Mother’s Day. I still can’t get use to it. I feel like I’m playing dress up or playing a role in a play.
Last year we went out for breakfast and I got free champagne and a flower. It felt like I had gone to a restaurant and lied about my birthday to get free cake. This year, we stayed home. My big wish was to work in the garden so my hubby took P for the day. I didn’t change a diaper all day.
I got several phone calls from friends wishing me a happy mother’s day. I was amazed by how many people said they thought I was an amazing mother. It means a lot to me especially from the friends who I think are amazing parents themselves. Still, the day feels different than I expected.
I’m not sure why I feel so distant from the term mother yet my day revolves entirely around doing all the things a mother does for her children. I think it’s because to me the word mother has a sense of ownership. We “own” our children but that has never been the way I view P.
Since the first day I met P I’ve always felt that being her mother was a privilege. I’ve never felt that I own her. I feel I am responsible for her care and development, but it’s temporary. One day she will stand up on her own and I will have no rights to her or what she does. It is my responsibility to help her make the right choices so she continues to do so long after I am gone.
I struggle with the words ” I have a daughter”. I really don’t know why. I know it sounds absurd but being P’s mother still feels like a dream when I look at that face smiling at me. Maybe by the time she is 18, and is about to leave for college the words will start to flow much easier and the concept will finally sink in.
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